Politics, in-laws and annoying cousins: the psychologist's guide to getting through a family Christmas

‘Tis the season for family fall-outs… whether you’re squabbling with your siblings, arguing with the in-laws or simply feel like everyone is getting on your nerves. With so much anticipation around the big day, it’s inevitable that Christmas can be stressful for some, particularly relatives who only see each other once a year.“There’s a lot of pressure – both implicit, from unrealistic expectations, and explicit, from all those idealised Christmas TV ads – to have the ‘perfect’ Christmas,” explains behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings (www.johemmings.co.uk).“There may be long-standing unresolved family issues, already difficult dynamics in who to invite, or differences in political or lifestyle choices. “Add in the general exhaustion from the run-up to Christmas, financial pressures, cabin fever and over-indulging in food and drink – and you have the perfect storm for conflict and disharmony.” So how can you get through Christmas without falling out with your family? Here’s what the experts say.

“You should always pick your battles, but even more so at Christmas,” says Dr Ellen O’Gorman, clinical psychologist at The Soke, Chelsea. It’s not always easy to avoid conflict, but if you can, walk away from minor arguments, rather than leaning in. That way, if something really riles you up, you can make yourself heard. If you usually clash with your cousins over the TV remote, for example, rise above it and let them decide what to watch. Or if your mum hates you interfering with her cooking, leave her to it and do something else useful instead.“ Prepare for what triggers you in these situations, because it is unlikely that other people’s patterns of behaviours will change over Christmas,” Dr O’Gorman adds. “Once we know what might trigger us, we can reflect beforehand on how we might react and behave ourselves.”

Going home for Christmas, especially if little has changed in your family’s living set-up, can make it tempting to revert to old roles and rehash disagreements you left behind. Dr O’Gorman suggests a technique called “radical acceptance”, whereby you accept the reality of the situation, understanding what you can and can’t control, to navigate family dynamics. “Practise increased boundaries,” she adds. “Take time and space for yourself. ”Bear in mind that you have all grown up, changed and now have your own lives – even if you’re in a familiar setting. Try to focus on the present, not the past. And remember how rare it is to get everyone together, making the holidays a special time, even if old habits (especially the really annoying ones) die hard.

We’ve all been there: the dreaded catch-up with that (elderly) relative who’s prone to saying outrageous or downright bigoted things. But should you call them out – or grit your teeth and get through it for another year? Jo Hemmings suggests making controversial topics – such as politics or sensitive family issues – off-limits during Christmas. “Make it clear that they are not to be discussed. Then, if they do bring them up, you have every right to shut down the conversation gently,” she adds. You could also try asking questions. “Trying to get an understanding of where these views are coming from can open up helpful conversations, avoiding defensiveness or upset,” says Dr O’Gorman. Above all, she adds: “Remember that it is not your job to educate a family member on controversial and offensive topics.” Make your excuses – surely that gravy needs stirring – and walk away.

Board games are a Christmas staple in most households, even if you don’t play them any other time of year. But while some relish getting into the competitive spirit, others aren’t so keen. If your family has a track record of games spilling over into real-life rows, Dr O’Gorman says they may not be a good idea. “Competition is fine, but if they end up in arguments or people getting personal in their comments, perhaps they need to be avoided,” she says. If you still want to play – and, after all, who can say no to festive charades? – then agree a set of ground rules in advance, and stop if things start going awry. Jo Hemmings adds: “Recognise what is likely to work for your family, make them fun and age-appropriate, and keep them relatively short in terms of playing time.”

There’s no shortage of chores to do over the festive period, so divvy them up. Not only will it stop the host from feeling overwhelmed, but keeping busy can diffuse tension and give everyone a sense of purpose.“Delegate tasks like prep, washing up, topping up drinks or tidying up,” says Jo. “If people feel more involved, they are less likely to quarrel with each other.” Take into account people’s energy levels, too. Older relatives may be less up for walking the dog, but perfectly happy to peel the sprouts in front of the TV, while the younger generation probably need to burn off energy before lunch.

Alternating Christmases between the in-laws means someone is out of their comfort zone every year – which is difficult if you don’t get on with your partner’s family. It’s important to talk about this in advance, says Dr O’Gorman. “Acknowledge what triggers you and try to prepare for it with your other half. Have an open and loving conversation about your in-laws so you feel supported and like you’re a team going into difficult situations.”“Prioritise your other half and your relationship,” Dr O’Gorman adds. “Remember how much they matter to your partner, and vice versa.” And if it all gets too much, nothing beats a subtle eye-roll – or laughing it off together.

“For some, Christmas can trigger all sorts of unexpected emotions, especially for those who have lost partners or who are poorly themselves,” says Jo Hemmings. Don’t expect everyone to feel happy or festive all the time, and don’t worry if you don’t either. Putting on a favourite festive film, or taking over-excited kids out for the afternoon, can give everyone some downtime in an otherwise hectic few days.“ Let people share their emotions in a quiet place and offer support where needed,” adds Jo.

You might have planned board games after lunch, or to watch the King’s Speech together, but don’t worry if your relatives aren’t in the mood.“Timings have a habit of going awry at Christmas, so try and be relaxed and gauge the mood,” says Jo. “If some people don’t want to join in with your plans, just let it be and don’t get stressed.” If you do feel your blood pressure rising, try cooling off – by leaving the room or going out for some air. “You could also try the 4-4-8 breathing technique,” recommends Jo. “Breathe in for four beats, hold it for four and breathe out for eight. No-one needs to know what you are doing, but it reduces our stress hormone, cortisol, pretty quickly.”