For many long-term couples, talking about marriage and children is a natural next step. But what happens when one person wants it more than the other?
In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader who feels like she’s wasted the best years of her life with a man who’s not ready to settle down.
Now in her early 30s, she’s watching as her friends begin to start families, and is ‘desperate’ for the same commitment. However, after seven years together, it’s becoming clear her boyfriend isn’t ready.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a man who no longer finds his wife attractive – and instead, is longing for her friend.
The problem:
I’m in my early 30s, have lived with my partner for seven years and am desperate to get married and have a baby. And yet after all this time, I’m no nearer to getting that sort of commitment from him than I was when we met.
I always used to think that by this age, I’d be happily settled into family life – especially as I’ve never had any trouble getting men.
I used to model in my teens and early 20s, and have been stopped in the street by guys who wanted my number. But now I look in the mirror and I don’t see that pretty girl staring back at me.
I feel like I’ve given my best years to my boyfriend, and yet I have nothing to show for it. Not even an engagement ring.
Sign up to The Hook-Up, Metro’s sex and dating newsletter
Love reading juicy stories like this? Need some tips for how to spice things up in the bedroom?
Sign up to The Hook-Up and we’ll slide into your inbox every week with all the latest sex and dating stories from Metro. We can’t wait for you to join us!
I find it so hard to be pleased for my friends when they announce their pregnancy – a couple of them, for the second or third time. Some have been married for nearly ten years, while I’m still waiting.
I don’t want to make my boyfriend sound too awful – we do have a nice life, enjoy the same things and sex is as good as it was when we got together. But overshadowing everything, is his reluctance to make that final commitment.
I’ve confided in a couple of close friends who think I should just give up and start again, but I’m terrified to leave my partner at this stage in my life.
The advice:
I understand completely your desire to marry and have children, but does your boyfriend? You don’t mention anywhere in your email that you’ve discussed your feelings with him, and skirting round the issue won’t help.
Fear of commitment is more common in men than women, but you’ve given him plenty of time to enjoy the free and easy life. After all these years it’s natural to want more, but you must spell out how much this means to you.
He obviously doesn’t see marriage and children in the way that you do, and that’s fine – he’s absolutely entitled to have his own point of view. While we don’t all see the world in the same way (and nor should we) this is something so important to you, it can’t be avoided any longer.
Prioritise your stresses. Marriage can happen at any time, so put that to one side, but having a baby is more time critical. Don’t be afraid to bring up the subject – find out what he really thinks. Does he want children? If he isn’t bothered or is even against the idea, you need to know now and not in five years’ time.
Tell him that you’re not prepared to drift on like this, and be specific about what you really want. Remember that your needs are as important as his, and if he shares your vision for the future, all will be well. If he doesn’t, then you must ask yourself whether your relationship is really strong enough to survive long-term anyway.
There’s still plenty of time to start again, but don’t keep putting it off and off. I know it will require enormous strength to walk away from him, yet for your own sake, that’s what you might have to do.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
MORE: My date was a disaster – the kebab shop owner helped me escape
MORE: I shamelessly flirted during a customer service call – then we had sex
MORE: Billi Mucklow gets ‘AC’ tattoo removed after divorce from Andy Carroll
