Married at First Sight Australia shocked UK viewers after its seemingly strongest couple, Jamie and Dave, saw their relationship crumble.
Concerned her husband wasn’t initiating sex, Jamie asked Dave about his feelings towards her, and was stunned when he explained that while she had confessed her love for him, he ‘wasn’t there’.
Viewers were equally as confused as Jamie, writing on X: ‘Who is this guy? This can’t be Dave,’ and calling him ‘ice cold’ — a stark contract from the supportive and caring partner he’d been for the previous three months.
But, experts say there could be an obvious reason behind Dave’s shock confession.
It all comes down to the ‘pursuer-distancer dynamic’ which psychosexual therapist Natasha Silverman tells Metro is terminal for a relationship.
It’s also an especially common problem; one she sees in an alarmingly 70% of the couples who seek her help.
One’s always chasing, one’s always running
The pursuer-distancer dynamic in a relationship is exactly what it suggests — an imbalance in who ‘chases’ who, leading one side to withdraw emotionally.
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Natasha explains: ‘One person is doing the work to connect emotionally, physically and sexually, so there’s not much room for the other person to lean in and connect.’
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as one partner’s constant attempts to repair things only heightens the other’s need for distance.
‘That pattern must be broken, but when you’re in it, it feels impossible because they want less and you want more,’ continues Natasha. ‘It’s a painful, toxic dance.’
And the only way to fix it is for ‘the pursuer to stop pursuing and the distancer to be given room to fill that void.’
How do you approach this?
If you’re sick of being the pursuer, Natasha suggests approaching your distancer partner with ‘soft startups’.
So, instead of springing a big emotionally charged conversation on your partner, you say: ‘I need to talk to you about something important to me, is now a good time? If not let me know when we can chat.’
When you do chat, you need to regulate your emotions and not throw out accusations. Then explain: ‘When you do X, it makes me feel rejected and far away from you.’
You don’t want to embellish and list every example of that behaviour, keep it simple. Then, Natasha says to end with an ‘unmet wish’.
This wish should be a small step towards improving your connection, like asking your partner to put their phone down and make eye contact when they talk to you, or to plan dates.
‘Then say you won’t keep pushing them on this, and that you’ve said what you need to say, and they can talk about it with you if they wish,’ Natasha explains.
‘You may notice that if you pull back for a week or two, they have space to try out what you’ve asked, even if it’s out their comfort zone. Do some watchful waiting and they may start to implement it.’
If they don’t meet you where you need them to, Natasha suggests therapy — or failing that, walking away from the relationship.
A distancer is an avoidant
In regards to the popular MAFS couple’s downfall, Natasha says: ‘Dave had that real ability to show up in the early stages and be charming and emotionally available, but as soon as things became more “real”, he withdrew.’
After Jamie revealed she loved her husband, he didn’t say it back; something that could be down to the ’emotional weight of responsibility’.
‘This is something many avoidants can’t handle, because it gives them a sense of claustrophobia and feeling trapped,’ the therapist adds.
‘It may feel like an abusive strategy, but it can also be a survival strategy — the distancer doesn’t want that level of pressure and expectation.’
Natasha says these feelings for avoidants often come from childhood. Individuals may have had an inconsistent parent who was available then suddenly unavailable, or seemed disinterested or dismissive of their child’s feelings.
Is there a fix for the MAFS couple?
‘Jamie, like many pursuers, will think “how can somebody be so available, so emotionally attuned, and then suddenly disappear?”,’ Natasha says. ‘It’s going to feel like a physical pain because you’ve had what felt like love given to you, then ripped away for no reason.’
She also has some advice that’s likely to resonate with other pursuers.
‘Jamie shouldn’t be questioning if her partner even likes her — she needs to promptly make her way to therapy and build her self esteem,’ Natasha adds. ‘She needs to put herself first.’
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