Age: The coinage is new; the technique, ancient.
Appearance: Self-absorption in empathy’s clothing.
Is this when boomers ask me how I’m ever going to afford a flat when I keep buying avocados? No. Unlike everything else that’s wrong with the world, this has nothing to do with boomers.
What is it, then? It’s a conversational technique: you ask someone a question, only to turn it round as an excuse to talk about yourself.
Like a boomerang? Exactly.
How does it work? There are three parts: first you pose the question; then you listen to the answer; finally, you answer the question you asked, which is all you wanted to do in the first place.
Fascinating. Do you ever boomerask? I hope not, although I suppose we’re all guilty of having an unconscious agenda from time to …
Because I would never do that. Call me nosy, but I’m just really curious about people. Also, I absolutely hate talking about myself! You’ve just done it.
Done what? You’ve asked me a question, solely so you could answer it yourself.
Clever, isn’t it? I get to choose the topics, and you still feel well looked after, conversation-wise. That’s the thing: a new study suggests people find boomerasking deeply off-putting.
What study? It was in the Journal of American Psychology. It found that boomeraskers consistently thought themselves likable and engaging, while those on the receiving end actually found them egocentric and insincere.
They’ve got a nerve, doing a study of me without my permission. It wasn’t about you. There were 3,000 participants.
I’m just trying to make people feel heard, without having to actually hear them. Unfortunately, people tend to notice.
What am I supposed to do, just brag? The study found that people actually prefer that. Better to simply announce your cool new job than to ask someone about their job and quickly pivot.
I’m not allowed to ask questions? Of course you are. The desire to be responsive and the impulse for self-disclosure are both natural urges; the point is not to exploit the former as a pretext for the latter.
So don’t just listen, but pretend to care about the answer? No, you should actually care about the answer.
It’s so complicated. Doesn’t this sound like a lot of hard work to you? I guess I struggle with the balance sometimes, but it’s good to examine your …
Because it sounds like hard work to me, a bit like when I was skiing in the Alps last Christmas, the snow was perfect, but I … OK, well, nice talking to you.
Do say: “That’s so interesting. How long have you felt that way?”
Don’t say: “Enough about me – what do you think of my conversational technique?”
