Chloe Petts: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet)

You know when you’re at a party and there is someone who you’re really into, and even when you’re not in conversation with them you have this tangible sense in your body of where they are at any given moment, because you can feel this frisson, a spark imperceptibly flowing between you? That’s how I feel about my phone. I always know where that little guy is and I can’t wait until I need a wee so I can take my couple of minutes on the toilet and catch up on all the scrolling I’ve missed.

It’s pathetic, really. Though I try not to blame myself because the internet is a tool that has been engineered to make us come back for more. I would simply adore to have a better relationship to scrolling – replacing the pre-bed hour with reading something enriching like the Guardian. But I don’t wish to forgo it entirely because I would miss out on all of the funny stuff that scratches a brain itch in a way that very few other mediums can. With that in mind, here are my top 10 funniest videos on the internet.

1. Girls drinking Sprite and burping

I didn’t mean for these to be ranked in order but, if they were, this one would absolutely come in at No 1. I’ve watched this video maybe 30 times and every time I laugh like it’s the first time. It’s the best in the Sprite challenge genre and, believe me, I’ve put in the research. It’s so puerile but the patheticalness of her sigh before the earth-shattering burp will never fail to render me floored. One of the greatest pieces of culture that’s come out of Australia.

2. Martha Luker King Junior

I love it when kids are weird in the way that only kids can be – this will become a heavy feature in this list. This video works because of the camera angle, the lighting, the child’s dead-eyed stare into the distance, the timing of her proclamation that Martha Luker King Junior died for our sins, and the hard cut after the adults off camera start pissing themselves. In film and TV writing there’s this idea that you should enter a scene as late as possible and leave it as soon as possible. This theory is executed perfectly here. A masterpiece.

3. Recess Therapy, ‘sank you’

I think this little guy is the cutest and is probably my most quoted man from the internet. I no longer say “thank you” – I say “sank you”. Shout out to @recesstherapy, which is putting out the sweetest and most life-affirming content out there.

4. Eddie Izzard – Star Wars Canteen

I probably should have some standup on this list given my profession and I think this is one of the first routines I ever saw where I thought, “Woah, this is mind-blowing”. Izzard juxtaposes sci-fi with the banal, putting a totally recognisable day-to-day scene in an absurd but also recognisable context. It’s got so many brilliant, well-observed lines in it (“You’re Mr Stevens?”, “Did you dry these in a rainforest?”) and the fact that it keeps going on for so long creates the cumulative feeling of euphoria. Superbly performed. An education for a standup.

5. Sean McLoughlin – ‘expecting a child’

For me, Sean McLoughlin is the best in the business at the moment and I wanted to put his whole standup special Hail Mary in this article but it’s 52 minutes long so I recommend you go and check it out yourself. Instead I’ve chosen one of my favourite clips of Sean’s, which is both funny and thematically relevant to an article about the internet.

6. The James Bond chord

This will not go where you expect it to. It’s the one and only thing that makes me proud to be British.

7. Door Holder No 3

All my mates say that I’m like this little boy and I don’t think they’re wrong. We can’t stop saying “get in” and pumping our fists after any mildly good piece of news now. Shoutout to the mum who’s doing such good mumming.

8. Ava Ryan’s Vine compilation

This little girl is one of the OGs of Vine (RIP); her output was absolutely insane. From “I smell like beef” to “it’s frickin bats”, Ava Ryan never missed. This is a compilation of some of her best.

9. Saturday Night Live – Dooneese

My friends showed me this video at uni and it began my love affair with Kristen Wiig who, for me, very rarely failed on SNL. I could have chosen the Chicken Man sketch or any of her Target Lady skits, but Dooneese was the original so I had to honour that. It’s so, so silly and they play it so beautifully straight.

10. This little girl’s speech

I simply must end my list with another kid saying the darndest thing. If this little girl isn’t a global superstar in the next 10 years, then there’s no justice in this world. She has style, charisma and timing in equal measure.