This week’s Sex Column tackles a taboo and complicated issue that can sometimes arise in blended families: a stepparent becoming attracted their partner’s adult child.
Our reader recently bumped into his estranged stepdaughter, now in her 20s after moving away with her father over a decade ago.
Despite trying to reconnect as a family, he’s started to develop romantic feelings for his wife’s daughter — something he knows could destroy his relationships with both of them.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman being iced out by her colleagues due to a drunken Christmas party faux pas.
The problem…
I’ve been married for 12 years to a wonderful woman whose husband left when their daughter was only three. By the time I met her, the child was 10 – old enough to have opinions, and she didn’t like me. I tried hard to form a good relationship with her but she rejected all my overtures; maybe she felt I was taking her mum away, I don’t know.
Although her dad had walked out for someone else, she always idolised him, and when my wife and I decided to marry, she moved in with him full-time. I know this was agony for my partner, but she wanted to be with me and so reluctantly accepted this decision.
My relationship with my stepdaughter hasn’t changed much over the years, and although my wife meets up with her regularly, she rarely comes to the house.
She’s now 22, and I recently saw her in a local pub when I was out for drinks with colleagues. She came straight over and apologised for her behaviour, saying she knew I’d made her mum happy and asking if we could start again. Of course, I accepted – I understand why things happened the way they did.
What’s tearing me apart is that I now can’t stop thinking about her. She has blossomed into a beautiful young woman, and I’ve found myself having ‘romantic’ thoughts about her.
She’s now invited herself over for dinner and wants to make up for lost time. After all these years of wishing we were closer, I actually don’t want her to come.
I have a busy social life and my wife and I have a great group of friends. I don’t come across as a ‘dirty old man’, but what can I do to get rid of these feelings and have a normal relationship with my stepdaughter?
The answer…
I’ve seen this issue again and again in my decades as an agony aunt, and my advice is always the same: if you don’t want to ruin any chance of achieving the close friendship you’ve always longed for, you need to get a grip now. Can you imagine how grossed out your stepdaughter would be if she knew what you were thinking?
You haven’t lived with her all her life and so the natural boundaries that exist between father and daughter haven’t developed in the same way. This means an extra effort is required by you to keep that barrier in place, so remind yourself constantly that no matter how attractive she is, she’s totally out of bounds.
The second you have an inappropriate thought about her, don’t just carry on fantasising; distract yourself by really focussing on something else, so those thoughts fade into the background.
Although you say you have a happy marriage, it seems you haven’t put yourself in your wife’s shoes. If she knew, not only would she be losing a partner, her relationship with her daughter would be forever changed. It would be devastating for her, and you need to put her upset above your desire.
Also, make an extra effort with your wife, who might sense something’s wrong. Take her out more or go away together so you can cement your closeness, and remember why you fell in love with her in the first place.
If you’re really worried about your unwanted thoughts, talk to a professional; in the meantime, there are many support groups for stepfamilies, some of which can help with your worries. Google what’s available in your area.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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