Long-distance relationships are no easy feat, and simply insisting ‘we’ll make it work’ isn’t always enough.
This week, a reader shares how moving to the UK – while her boyfriend stayed in Lithuania – was the beginning of the end for their romance. After six years of persevering, they decided to call it quits.
But now, she’s unexpectedly pregnant with another man’s baby, and she can’t help but have regrets.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a woman struggling to indulge her partner’s fantasy of watching her sleep with other men.
The problem:
I came to this country six years ago, leaving a serious boyfriend back home in Lithuania. He was meant to join me, but was offered a really good job in Vilnius and decided to stay for what he said was ‘just a bit longer’.
By the start of 2024, I realised he would never move to England, and so I decided to end things. Although he was really upset, it just seemed pointless having this semi-relationship with someone I rarely spent time with. He admitted he’d been hoping I’d eventually move back home, but I’m settled here now.
Eight months ago, I started seeing a local guy, and I got pregnant, which was completely unplanned. My partner wants to move in with me and create a family together, but I can’t stop thinking about the boy I left behind.
I still speak to him regularly (my English boyfriend doesn’t know) but I haven’t told him I’m pregnant. I know that what I’m doing isn’t right, but I can’t decide which way to turn. If I’m going to have a termination it has to be soon, but I don’t think that’s the right choice for me.
I’m worried that I’ve ruined my life and that if I just let things go forward with the new guy and a baby, I’ll spend the rest of my days longing for my lost love.
The advice:
Is the guy at home really your lost love? It just seems strange that if you were meant to be together, you’ve both been quite willing to live over a thousand miles apart for several years. Maybe you’re building this relationship up in your head, and life with him would not be anything as perfect as you imagine.
What seems to have changed is that you unexpectedly find yourself pregnant, which has made everything feel more real and immediate. But you’d already decided to move on with a new boyfriend before this happened, so surely the focus has to be on the here and now, not on what might have been.
Children are wonderful but they can be hard work, so are you ready for parenthood? As you say, deciding this is a priority. Try not to torture yourself about the morals of your situation; just think very hard about whether having a baby at this stage, is what you really want.
The first thing you must do is to make a decision about whether to continue this pregnancy. The BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) website has information, which will help you decide what to do.
The relationship back in Lithuania feels like unfinished business but allowing it to limp along as you’re doing, will drain your commitment to the life you have now. You’ve set up a completely new life here so put all your energy into it, and resolve not to keep looking over your shoulder into the past.
Stop contacting your ex and let him find happiness with someone else. Don’t let your new boyfriend move in if you aren’t sure; he may be the father of your unborn child, but plenty of couples find ways of co-parenting without cohabiting.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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