My baby never woke up after his first time co-sleeping

Burying a baby is something no parent should ever have to face, and yet that’s exactly what I had to do when my son was just three months old.

In October 2020, my then-partner, Gary, put Logan to sleep in a V-shaped pregnancy pillow next to our bed. He was fed, he was clean and he should have been safe.

Tragically though, he never woke up. 

And in August this year, the coroner at the inquest into his death ruled that co-sleeping in bed beside his father was a contributing factor to his death. 

I will regret that night for as long as I live. 

When we found out I was expecting, Gary and I were so excited. We’d only been trying for a couple of months and couldn’t wait to extend our family. 

At 20 weeks pregnant we had a gender reveal party where we popped a black balloon over our heads and got covered in blue confetti. 

I loved shopping for all my baby bits – choosing a pram and high chair, buying blue baby clothes and blankets, everything was blue! 

Then, on 11 July 2020, our little Logan was born at 38 weeks. I had to have an emergency C-section because scans had revealed I was carrying extra fluid and there was a knot in his umbilical cord.

Thankfully he was healthy and was the most gorgeous baby. I was instantly in love with his tiny feet, bright blue eyes and wee button nose.

Back home, we quickly settled into a routine: a bath, Johnson’s night-time cream with lavender to help him sleep soundly, a bottle, then into his cot.

I had friends with children who explained to me all about the dangers of co-sleeping. They’d told me that the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is 50 times higher for babies when they sleep on a sofa or armchair with an adult and that they are also at risk of accidental death as they can easily slip into a position where they are trapped and can’t breathe.

So, I knew what I had to do to put my baby safely down to sleep. At bedtime, we always placed him into a cot beside our double bed with nothing but a blanket on him. 

Each day Logan seemed to progress more and more, and before long he was well ahead of other kids his age. At 12 weeks he was already tasting foods like baby rice and wearing clothes for babies aged nine months. 

He was growing so fast and it made me excited for his future. 

While he was giggling at Peter Rabbit cartoons, I could absolutely picture him becoming obsessed with Ninja Turtles, superhero costumes and kicking a football in the garden. 

There was so much to look forward to, I could barely stop myself from stocking up on a big boy pram, bath chair and play mat ready for him to grow into. 

And then one night took that future away. 

Saturday 17 October 2020 had started off as a normal family day. 

Logan had a wee sniffle, which our health visitor thought could be a cold, so Gary and I opted to spend the day indoors watching Disney movies and tucking into a KFC. 

I fell asleep on the sofa so Gary gave Logan his last feed around midnight and our baby boy fell asleep in his arms. 

But rather than lay him down in his cot, Gary settled him into the pregnancy pillow, a plush cushion that helps pregnant women sleep comfortably, next to him on our double bed – something we had never done before. 

Around 6.30am the next morning I woke to the sound of Gary screaming: ‘He’s not breathing, he’s not breathing!’ 

I raced upstairs but as soon as I saw Logan I knew.

His wee lips were blue and he was completely still. 

While I dialled 999, Gary did CPR until the paramedics arrived and then Logan was rushed to Belfast’s Ulster Hospital.

There was nothing anyone could do to save him though. My boy had already gone.

Logan was pronounced dead at 7.36am, and my whole world fell apart.

In the days after his death I spent time with his body at the funeral home, cuddling him and stroking his wee face.

The funeral, five days after he passed, was devastating. No coffin should ever be that tiny. I travelled to the service in the hearse beside him.

I made sure to tuck his favourite Peter Rabbit toy in beside him, before bending down and giving his forehead one final kiss goodnight.

Gary and I split up shortly after Logan’s funeral. But my pain continued for a long time afterwards. 

For months I couldn’t even face leaving the house. And in January 2021, still not seeing any way forward without Logan, I tried to take my own life. I was offered therapy and that was a turning point.

With support from my mum Deborah and her partner, and the counselling and therapy sessions, I began to move forward. I didn’t want Logan’s life to have been in vain.

In August this year an inquest into Logan’s death was held. 

The coroner called for greater understanding of safer sleeping practices for babies saying that infants under six months should always be placed in a cot or Moses basket, covered with a light blanket, and nothing else.

She also reiterated that ‘no one should fall asleep with a baby on a sofa, chair or bed’.

It found that three vulnerabilities contributed to Logan’s death – neurological anomalies on his brain, bronchopneumonia, and co-sleeping. 

Even though I’d known the dangers all along, and even though we’d always been so careful with him – every time we started nodding off after a feed, if he was still in my arms my mum would lift him away from me – that one night was all it took. 

I will never ever forget Logan. I continue to visit his grave to mark special milestones like birthdays and Christmases. No matter what, he will always be my son. 

Now I just want to share his story as a warning to all other mummies and daddies. 

There’s nothing wrong with cuddling your children close – in fact, I’d urge you to savour every precious moment and never take the milestones for granted, but please make sure you keep them safe too. 

Put babies in a cot or Moses basket at bedtime. Never ever take them to bed with you – just one time could be enough to change everything. 

As told to Jade Beecroft

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

MORE: Autistic girl forced to live in Airbnb after ‘pressure’ to release her from hospital

MORE: My husband and I race every weekend then argue about who’s faster

MORE: One word my brother repeated after his cancer diagnosis broke my heart