‘I want you to talk dirty to me’.
That was the honest answer to my lover’s question.
We’d just finished having sex and were gearing up for round two when Lucas* surprised me by asking if there’s anything I particularly enjoy in bed.
I’d known exactly which fantasy I wanted to try the moment he’d asked, but there’d been a brief pause while I decided whether or not to tell him the truth.
Now that I had, he was silent.
Panic began to set in as I wondered if I’d said something wrong.
I worried my kink wasn’t to his liking and that I’d killed the mood completely by suggesting something too far out of his comfort zone.
And while I was not, and am not, ashamed of my desires, I couldn’t deny that I felt awkward at that moment.
For those who know me well, or certainly read my column regularly, this might sound surprising.
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On the surface I am a confident woman. I’m seen as the ‘big bad sex writer’, the one constantly suggesting that you try something new and the one you go to for answers about sexual dilemmas.
Naturally, you wouldn’t think I have them myself. Yet as my situation with Lucas proves, I absolutely do.
We all have our insecurities that creep up now and then and it turns out, telling my lover that I wanted him to talk dirty to me, was one of mine.
A new survey released by the dating app Flure earlier this month – which, coincidentally, coincided with National Kink Month – revealed that 61% of people hide their sexual fantasies from their partners.
I would imagine that, like me, many people worry about how their other half will react to their carnal pleasure of choice. And the kinkier the request, the more likely we are to stay quiet.
Suppressing your desires could lead to boredom in the bedroom. So it was no surprise to me that, of those same participants, 53% said they felt ‘unfulfilled’ in their sex lives.
That’s why, ultimately, I chose to share mine with Lucas.
At this point in my life I like to think I am an expert at getting myself off.
I’m not bragging, I promise, but I have had a lot of sex with a lot of people and I’ve taken the time to listen to my body when going solo too.
So, to me, it is now simply a fact that the more you experiment, the more you get to know what brings you the most pleasure. For me, dirty talk is a big turn-on.
I’ve never really considered why this gets my motor running but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because it feels a little bit naughty.
When I was younger, I used to read erotic novels. They were my first introduction to dirtier sex and each paragraph built the tension inside my body.
Besides, I’m a writer – words are my life.
And I also like a little bit of roleplay, which is easily incorporated with dirty talk.
However, that doesn’t mean I am above feeling embarrassed about expressing my desires.
When Lucas asked me the question, uttering the actual phrases at that moment felt weird somehow.
For starters, the environment wasn’t quite right: It’s one thing to ask someone to call you filthy names after a few drinks at the pub or when the room is dark, but it was broad daylight and we were cuddling in bed.
Secondly, I was more experienced than him.
So, I hesitated. I felt shy.
And when I did finally gather up the courage to share the specific words that turn me on, Lucas’s reaction left me feeling even more self-conscious.
In reality, we couldn’t have sat in silence for more than a couple of seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
Thankfully, when he next spoke, he revealed his own hesitation was more to do with him than me.
The lesson here is that hiding your desire will not serve you or the person you’re having sex with
He explained that, while he found the concept of dirty talk exciting, he felt out of his depth as he had never tried it before and worried about the execution.
I felt happy that my lover was comfortable enough to share his feelings with me and relieved to know that his silence was more to do with him than my kink confession.
Luckily, he was open to exploring this new side of himself with me and I respected that he needed to take it slow. So that’s just what we did.
We took baby steps in the weeks that followed: starting with ‘lighter’ kinky phrases (‘take me, harder, just like that’) before working our way up to the dirtier stuff. Until, eventually, Lucas started dirty talking all on his own, completely unprompted – which I found incredibly thrilling.
The lesson here is that hiding your desire will not serve you or the person you’re having sex with. You deserve the chance to live out your fantasy or – at the very least – talk about it openly, without judgement.
And while it can be daunting to share more of yourself, it can also be the first step to a new amazing experience.
Of course, it might not always work out. For example, a few years ago, another one of my lovers – Elijah* – told me that his fantasy was to try ejaculating on his partner’s face. My face.
I didn’t think it would be my thing but I was still open to trying it.
Ultimately, I was right. It was very messy and I couldn’t even open my eyes to see how much he enjoyed it (watching my partner’s pleasure is another turn-on of mine) as I was mostly worried about the sperm dripping onto the floor or getting an eye infection.
While this kink wasn’t for me, I don’t regret the experience and I certainly didn’t shame Elijah for it.
We all enjoy different things in the sack, some people like watching cooking shows while masturbating, others enjoy being called a slut while having sex, but my point is this…
So long as you don’t harm yourself or anyone else, each and every desire is worthy.
If you find that your kink doesn’t match that of your lovers’ and worry about how to proceed, well, you have three options: Compromise, try something else or find someone else to shag.
Remember, it all starts with you. Be bold and be honest with your lover about one of your sexual fantasies, be it big or small.
And then, ask them to share a kink of their own.
Even if it takes them a minute to respond, their reply might just surprise you.
*Names have been changed
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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